named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
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Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
im 7 sauces long
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
uh oh
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.