Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
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When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
😂😂
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.