Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
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God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.