[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
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Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Meat Cute
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019