According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
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Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES