I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
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Lmfao
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?