Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
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I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader: