My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
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If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut