Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
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Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.