No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
You Might Also Like
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed