As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
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A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that