Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
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[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.