Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
You Might Also Like
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.