*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
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Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Does this dress make me look cat?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.