Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
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They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Jail
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP