Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
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Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Great game to play with friends
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
The Weeknd is back
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry