I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
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“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
No point crayon over spilled milk.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.