Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
You Might Also Like
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.