Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
“How’s your day going?”
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …