I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
You Might Also Like
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Flowers bee like
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.