Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
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The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
the only organized thing in my life is crime
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
ACED my prostate exam!
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea