If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
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Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD