Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
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F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.