[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
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Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Don’t we all.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”