Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
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Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
me before I type out affect or effect
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”