The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
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ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*