all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
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I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.