My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
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I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
i was baptized in a car wash
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Oh my God.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?