[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
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Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!