[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
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My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Never be a pizza!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
the battle rages on
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
tis the season
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward