Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
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At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I put the h in mysterious.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard