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Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
live, laugh, laundry.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
an octopus is just a wet spider