*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
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Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.