[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
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added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
🐕🍷
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?