*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
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Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off