9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
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Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
And now we wait
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!