Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
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ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
White Castle for the Win