Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
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“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
when someone compliments me
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho