I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
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*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
#oldknees
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
🙄😏😂🤣
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11