just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
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One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?