Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
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Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.