Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
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Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball