Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
You Might Also Like
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
how do y’all walk in shallow water
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft