I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
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Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Kermit goes Blue.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
a badder mouse
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it