I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
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Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.