Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
You Might Also Like
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?