found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
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mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
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[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with