If Amazon had a dating app:
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I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.