You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
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Intelligence is the new cleavage
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
when you don’t want to be too vague
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.