describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
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Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I support this random dude and all his protests
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.